Humans, Join Us!™
By Mindy Barker and Kristin Giordano
Hey
you! Yes, you, "driving" by in your car, texting. Notice the air quotes
around "driving?" Don’t you know the dangers of texting while driving? I
think Werner Herzog just did a documentary about it. You don’t know
Werner Herzog? You should really look him up on Netflix™. The Criterion
Collection® put out an entire box set of his films. You will not believe
the scene with the tiny monkeys in Aguirre, Wrath of God.™
Sorry,
I lost my train of thought for a sec. I was talking about danger,
texting, and driving. Because there are alternatives. Have you ever
considered the pleasures of bipedal locomotion? We have! The best way to
begin walking is to find yourself an excellent pair of shoes. They
should be comfortable, but please--try to be a bit stylish. You’re in
public now. It is not okay to wear your pajamas to the store, and
slippers are not shoes. You know who you are.
But
seriously, have you ever seen a cuter bunch of baby chickens? One of
them is wearing a helmet. By this time, you have probably gotten
distracted and clicked on the YouTube™ cat video your cousin put on
Facebook™. You really need to stop messing with your phone while you
drive. You're becoming a menace. And you really shouldn’t hold a No-whip
Mocha Frappuccino® and an iPhone™ while operating a motor vehicle,
especially a stick shift. That's probably why the baby chicken has to
wear a helmet all the time.
I
see that you are now scrolling through the photo gallery on Flickr™ of
cute animals in mugs. I mean, a baby hedgehog IN A MUG! That is
literally the cutest thing ever. OMG, totes adorbs! Wait, no way,
there’s one with two baby bunnies IN THE SAME MUG! WATCH FOR THE
PEDESTRIAN!!!!! Jeez, you really need to focus.
If
you take a break from looking at the hilarious thing George “Sulu”
Takai just posted to Twitter™, you might notice that there is a large
lemur on a skateboard on the side of a building downtown. That is
horrendous! Oops, I meant to type “hilarious.” Stupid auto-correct! You
know, you really shouldn’t try to post it to Instagram™ while you’re
driving. But, oh, wait, never mind, you just did. No worries! But you
should really pull over if you want to get the one of the meerkats in
sneakers. It could totally go viral. For, like, 2 seconds.
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